Monday, 18 February 2013

Damaged Girls: One of Three Things The Manosphere Doesn't Get

It's taken me a while to get this one in writing. Which is not like me. It was as if the idea didn't want to be said, or that I didn't want to see it out in the open. Which was why this post and this post by Matt Forney cheered me up a lot. He's the only other person I've read who has the idea that just maybe, when we look at the behaviour of women in post-modern capitalist economies (aka "The Anglosphere"), we're looking at the behaviour of a lot of very damaged people and/or people with DSM-IV-R grade personality disorders. 

I'm thinking of one girl at work. She says she wants a husband and three children. Oh, and "her career". She's reasonably bright, and I doubt that she would describe herself as 'profound'. And yes, I frequently have un-collegial thoughts about her. Three children and "a career" while living in London means that her husband needs to make over £120,000 after tax to pay for the childcare, cleaners who iron, schools, four or five bed-room house, car and lifestyle. Her salary is about £35,000 after tax and will cover holidays and her expenses: even allowing for childcare and domestics, they come out ahead on that one.  Their parents will need to kick in for the house. I don't see this girl living out in the more affordable suburbs of Middlesex, Kent or Essex - as many of the twenty-something married couples who work there do. I have asked her if she has any idea how few men actually make that kind of money, and does she know how to find them?

It's a delusion, of course. She's not going to find the man with the money. I have a crush on her, but guys making that money are exposed to hotter babes in their investment banks, hedge-funds and consultancies. (No-one else earns that kind of money except some senior management types I don't think she would find attractive.)  She's not going get married or have children either. She's twenty-seven and there's no-one in sight. You know how that goes. She has a mid-level bureaucratic project-manager-type role, though I doubt she knows what a GNATT chart or a CPA is (actually The Bank has no real project-planning software now I think of it). For those who don't know, that's not a "career", and she doesn't know that.

Or rather, she knows all of that, and has it drowning in the warm waters of Denial. Girls who say they would "like to get married some day" say it to make everyone think they are open to the idea, and capable of the commitment, intimacy, tedium and inconvenience, but they have no more intention of getting married than I ever did. They say it because it sounds better than "why the fuck would I want to do that?" - which is what their behaviour says. There's another girl in the office who says she "wants babies" - it sounds very cute when she says it - but she's thirty and on her second going-nowhere LTR. She wants to have babies and get straight back to work as well. A number of us have pointed out that you can't have babies if you don't want teenagers, and she definitely doesn't want a teenager. She has no more intention of getting married than the first girl, and even less of having children. She just says all those things because it sounds better than saying "I don't want to be like all the other Polish women I know, who aren't happy in their marriages, and I have a good job and like why would I... I like my job and I don't want to be unhappy. But I still want a baby." (She kinda talks like that.)

So they know the truth, but they also believe the lies. They aren't career women and wouldn't want to be, anymore than I wanted to be a "career man". They are nowhere near marrying and even further from childbearing: where I work, it's only the, uh, homely-looking women who turn up one day with a bump and take maternity leave a few months later. (Pretty people don't breed.)

So now we discuss the idea of "damage". Damage is always relevant to the purpose of the thing that's damaged. A dented car door is damage if you're using the car as a status symbol, but just a dented door if you want to use the car to actually drive from A to B. A scrunched-up chassis is just plain damage, because the car isn't really safe to drive at all, even if it looks spotless on the outside. People, unlike cars, don't have an a priori purpose: people aren't for anything. Not even making babies. People are what makes everything else "for" something: no people, no purpose. A cow has no purpose, until people come along and milk her. Nope, making calves is not a cow's purpose. Reproduction is no more special a function of an animal species than the ability to process oxygen or take a shit: all animal species must do a lot of things even to be a species, and reproducing is just one of many. If making babies is a purpose, so is breathing, because both happen pretty much whether a cow wants it or not. Human beings, by contrast, have been looking for effective birth control since they figured out what made what happen.

Within a social and moral context, these girls have a purpose, which they share with everyone else: to be considerate, contributing and co-operative (but not mindlessly compliant) members of the society that arranges to feed, house, clothe, protect, employ and entertain them. Everyone gotta help the wheels spin round. How they choose to contribute is up to them. Rightly, they feel that being a worker bee in a vast bureaucracy may not be satisfying, and just as rightly they look at their parents, their older siblings and cousins, and they read the runes, and get that being a wife and mother may just be a ton of hard work with some very variable rewards. The girl I have a crush on made a remark about her parents having the same argument about what to do at Christmas for the last twenty years, and she didn't sound like she thought that was cute.

And this is where we get the idea of damage for a person. However someone chooses to contribute, they will need to do a number of things: gain co-operation and trust with other people, discharge obligations in a timely manner, make plans, debate, negotiate and generally deal with people, develop and maintain useful relationships, learn from mistakes, not lose heart when they have failures along the way, and so on and so forth. In addition, they need to choose a contribution that is achievable or plausible given their skills and economic situation, and then pursue this with a certain amount of heart, hope and determination. If instead, they are despairing, apathetic and half-hearted, if they choose something that is beyond their powers, skills or reasonable expectations, if they cannot plan, do not discharge their obligations and can neither trust others nor inspire others to co-operate with them, they cannot function well at a fairly basic level, and that means they are damaged. 

(My damage is around trusting other people, and believing that other people can be relied on to show up, help and support anything that I specifically do. I do trust people: I trust them to cancel, change their priorities, not to have any worthwhile advice, and not to want or be able to help. Oddly, I also trust them to do the right thing if I suddenly fall ill and need help. But with my life and plans? Nah. The only person who's going to do anything for me is me. Hell, a lot of the time I never even had orgasms with my partners, and I don't think they cared they were so busy getting theirs. Now try functioning in this world at all when you believe in your inmost soul that they run the trains and open the shops for other people, not you.)

Harsh as it may be to judge these girls as damaged - and I think that was one reason this was so difficult to get started - they are damaged. They can't form realistic plans for their lives. Notice that they want to rush back to their "careers" after having children. What on earth do they want the children for, if they then wish to spend next to no time with them, and that little time when they are tired? They are not going to find a husband who can afford the nannies and housekeeping, so they will marry a man who is not even "good enough" and whose lack of earning power they will be resenting in fairly short order. We know how that works out. These girls are no more capable of falling "head over heels in love" than I am. Their plans, given their expectations, have a high chance of leading to disaster. And somewhere in their hindbrains they know this, which is why they are not actually making a serious husband-hunt. But since they can't admit that to themselves, they can't form realistic plans for a life that doesn't involve marriage. 

This isn't DSM-IV-R grade damage, which needs psychiatric treatment, nor the Big Eight (alcoholism, heroin, cocaine, speed, sex, overeating, bulimia, and self-harm) which are beyond regular therapists but not quite up to psychiatric levels. This is the regular, but nonetheless life-limiting, dysfunction that regular therapists can handle. There's just the chance that they really are just saying those things to appear socially acceptable to others, and that in their hearts they have accepted that they are going to be worker-bee, mid-level WGTOWs for the rest of their lives. But I doubt it.

I don't know where their damage comes from: family, schools, pop culture (Sex And The City), so-called feminism, peer groups, wherever. It doesn't matter much as there is nothing anyone can do about it. And if they aren't damaged, but merely being denial-dumb, now, they will be damaged when they hit The Wall. And women don't repair, because it's not their fault, so there's nothing for them to change or fix. Men repair, if we're willing to accept what the damage is. It's almost never too late to repair a man's soul, just like it's almost never too late to repair his body.

So now back to the Manosphere. This is the first thing most of them don't get. A lot of the crap women hand out, their weird ideas and behaviour, does not have an obscure logic that makes sense of it. It's actual rudeness, disrespect, social ineptitude, callousness, insecurity, nagging, prying, teasing, manipulation, free-riding and low-grade prostitution (which is another subject). Girls can be assholes too.

No comments:

Post a Comment