Thursday, 13 June 2013

Advice To A Young Lady Seeking A Husband: Part One

Here's the secret. When you go husband-hunting, you have the same marketing problem that a luxury goods manufacturer has. You need to produce a product that customers want to buy, but they have to be the right customers. You are not buying a husband, you're selling yourself to the quality of man you want to be married to. Re-read that, because it's important you get it. You are not selecting men off the shelf, like breakfast cereal, you are selling yourself as a desirable partner to the kind of men you want as partners. If there's a serious mis-match between what you have to offer and what those men want, it's not their fault they are "scared of a strong woman" or some other such nonsense, it's your fault for not doing your research properly, and offering the wrong things to the wrong people. If you want to be a "strong, independent woman", you need to find men who can live with that, not complain that the men you want don't want you. You won't find those men, by the way. Men don't want a "strong, independent woman"TM, except possibly as a short-term affair.

So you can take that 463 bullet-point checklist of requirements and bin it. It doesn't matter what you want. It matters what the men you want want. And they are not going to change. And the good news is this: when they are looking for a life-partner, as opposed to a one-night stand or a short affair, quality men look for the same things. (So do quality women, so this is just a quick refresher for you. Right?) 

First: does he find you physically attractive? Get over it. Looks matter. There is an upside here: how do you know he finds you attractive? Because he asked you out on a date. You passed. Now don't lose it. 

Second: do the two of you have good social chemistry? Can you shoot the breeze about nothing for a couple of hours and like doing so? Can you be comfortable sitting quietly together, just pleased that the other person is in the room? The "shoot the breeze" thing is what the first couple of dates are about. Early dates are not an opportunity for you to conduct a job interview, they are a time for you to find out how well you get on together, for you to show you can contribute to that process.

Third: is the sexual chemistry there? A relationship of fifty years starts with a one-night stand, or what might be a one-night stand. The first time, don't starfish, and don't do anything that requires safety words. Save the exotic stuff for a bit later. Unless you've already covered that subject. (If you have even the slightest urge to protest that "sex isn't everything / that important / (insert denial here)" then stop now. You are not suited for marriage.)

Congratulations! You're past the third date and into a relationship. (Maybe fourth. However, if you feel no great desire to have him shag your brains out by the third date, there's no sexual chemistry and you should drop it.)

Fourth: now he wants to see that you will be an ally. He wants to see that you understand that it's him-and-you against the world, not you-against-him and maybe-you-will-back-him-against-the-world-if-you-judge-his-cause-to-be-right. It's the two of you against everyone else. We're talking loyalty here. You can never prove this totally, but you can allay a lot of doubt. 

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