Monday, 17 June 2013

Advice To A Young Lady Seeking A Husband: Part Two

Fifth: he wants to see that you are a functioning adult. Are you rude to waiters? Do you hand out honey-do lists? Can you figure out how to assemble flat-pack furniture? Do you jump at spiders? Are you paying down your student loan? Are you holding down a job? Are your quarters reasonably clean and your fridge stocked with essentials. Can you cook a freaking ham and cheese omelette or do you eat out of a microwave? Do you spend to your earnings or are you running up debt? Can you compromise and let it go? Do you dress like an adult or are you walking around in a costume? Do you expect people to divine what you want, or do you state it with confidence? Do you whinge and find fault? Can you catch a waiter's eye and deal calmly with bureaucracy? Do you keep your promises? Do you turn up late or cancel? Are you confident about your prospects and future? Do you have reason to be? Are your friends also functioning adults? You get the idea. None of these are nice-to-haves. You need to be above 90% on this stuff. Why? because he is. That's one reason he's a quality man.

Sixth: he's looking for evidence of emotional instability and personality problems. Given the percentage of women with Narcissist, Borderline and manipulative personalities, this is a legitimate concern. He's looking for DSM-IV symptoms of actual personality disorders, or any of the Big Eight problem behaviours (alcoholism, heroin, cocaine, speed, sex, gambling, food issues and self-harm). Any of those are instant knock-outs. He's looking for a generally "up" disposition, and not for mood swings, rows, fights, silent treatments, resentful scowls, fake drama, clingy behaviour and the like. In other words, just don't come across like a character from an English soap opera.

Seventh: he wants to know what your mother is like, because that's the role model you had, and he wants to know what your father is like, because that's what you will think men are.

Eighth: if he's the type who wants children, he will want to see how you respond to them, and they to you. Other people's children will do as experimental subjects, even the children of total strangers. (Warning, children are not always good indicators. I went out with a girl whom children loved, and was very good with them, but those who knew her knew she didn't have a motherly bone in her entire skeleton.)

Ninth: he has to decide if all the good stuff he's seen is just an act that's going to stop the moment you get the ring. Because that happens. A lot. By screw-ups who want to lure a victim into the legal spiderweb of marriage and spend the rest of their life tormenting and disrespecting him. He knows this and he's rightly suspicious.

And the reason you can tear up your 463 bullet-point checklist is that these are the same things you need to look for in him. Note the verb: "need", not "want".

This may look like a lot, but all it's really asking is that you're attractive, the two of you get along well and you're a functioning adult without major personality problems. You might think that's not much to ask, but in Anglo societies right now, it is. Remember, he has an option: he doesn't need to get married.

One more thing you need to understand. Under existing law, women take no risk at all getting married, men risk everything they have or will build up. A woman who wants divorce calls her lawyer and walks away with as much money and assets as her lawyer can get. A man who wants divorce risks being reamed unless he has video evidence of her behaving like a crazy bitch. He is taking a far greater risk than you are - you have no idea how much greater - and you need to be worth that risk.

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