Monday, 22 July 2013

Five Years After The Break-Up: Part Two

So in Part One we established that my life since about 2006 has been pretty damn full of time-consuming and emotional Stuff that would cause lesser mortals to hit the bottle, take narcotic drugs or Go Travelling. But it gets worse. Or more pathetic, depending.

In an earlier draft I had a lot of stuff about how being in a no-sex relationship meant I no longer thought of myself as someone whose sexual needs were deserving of being met. Or indeed, that I no longer thought of women as sexual creatures. And meditations around that point. While putting the barbells back on the rack (because I'm a Good Citizen) I had a truly horrible thought. What if all that stuff was just therapy-noise, and  I'd stopped bothering with sex because I don't need to fool myself I'm living a life anymore? What if I was only responding to the interest girls showed in me - and that was what I was doing, I never chased after them - because a) horny young man, b) I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing. (How about (c) I thought women could Ease The Pain? While I've always known that drugs could Ease The Pain and have stayed away from them for that reason, it never occurred to me that sex could ease the pain, nor that female company could, and it never did. I didn't drink to Ease The Pain, and it didn't anyway, but it did leave me feeling connected with... something.) What if, now I've tried an LTR, I'm like "been there, done that, didn't get the fuss"? What if I'm not only "not the marrying kind" (lovely phrase - though I think it was code for "gay") but "not the sexual kind" either? Okay, I'm being silly. Of course I am / was. Maybe now I just don't have the hormones to make me behave like an idiot (see how I naturally wrote "an idiot" to describe a guy who chases after girls because he's got a hard-on?) What if I just don't have the inner urge anymore? 

I'd say most days I see at least one woman who, if we were meeting in more convenient circumstances, I would be quite happy to get next to, if only the one time. One advantage of being older is that my choice is much wider - roughly from twenty-five to forty-five - (and I said my choice, not my chances). The circumstances are no good. She is in full work armour, I am in full absence, both of us are on public transport or around the City, or just maybe in the West End. No time, no state of mind. (Yea gods, Roosh goes touring the world and Krauser hangs around the West End all day, or else goes off to exotic destinations. Neither have full-time day jobs. I'd like to see either of them pull at the rate they do if they had to be in the office by 08:00 five days a week.) 

Of course I have the inner urge. If I didn't I wouldn't be moaning on about it like this. Sure I don't have the hormones at the levels I used to, but that is, as you will understand when you too get here, a good thing. My problems are all logistics: where to meet, and where to go for the action. afterwards. Actually, most peoples' problem is logistics: otherwise there would be no dating agencies or websites, and that attractive girl in your office wouldn't have the problems she's having getting a date or even a husband.

By the time I came out of the LTR, I was mid-fifties. You can recite all the cliches you like about men ageing well, but that sound you will hear as you pass fifty-five is the door squeaking shut. Suddenly a fifteen-year age difference is significant again. I did go out with a twenty-four year old when I was forty-one, and partly because I looked thirty-one, it wasn't an issue for her - and anyway she was AA-female bonkers. However, ask a forty year-old woman if she's prepared to have an intimate encounter with a fifty-six year old man and see what happens. Ask a thirty-year-old woman if she wants to intimately encounter a forty-five year old? Maybe, if he's in really good shape. But a fifty-five year old - even if he's in really good shape?  A guy needs to be a Certified Somebody to be attractive past fifty-five, and I am a Regular Joe. The waitresses in my regular lunchtime haunts smile at me because I'm their nice regular customer who treats them like people, but how they hold themselves and smile when the customer is a hot thirty-something guy is totally different. I get it: the odds are slim. And no, a "woman my age" won't go near me because I'm clearly not house-trained and she has nothing in common with me. So the odds are pretty damn small.

I started this two-parter because I was starting to beat up on myself: five years ago and I haven't got back in the saddle; I'm less than a real man because I'm not approaching every woman I have even the slightest twinge of interest in; I should be doing daygame approaches. And so on and so forth. Turns out that it's been a fairly eventful five years, I'm not in my early thirties, and the rest of the world probably doesn't think I should be chasing after girls at all. It's a Big Myth that Everyone Is Better Off With A Partner. Actually, at least thirty per cent of the people who do try LTR's split after ten years... oh, wait, that's what I did.

Damn. I'm just another statistic. 

1 comment:

  1. oh there's plenty of older women who would be interested in you. Whether they are worth getting involved with though is another matter. i'm an older woman (bot as old as you) and I think most of them seem demanding or slightly unhinged