Thursday, 28 November 2013

MGTOW Ramblings (Part Two) With No Clear Destination (Yet)

What am I doing spending so long around the Manosphere? Getting a proper attitude to women and their role in a man's life. Which is something only the guys in the Manosphere are thinking about. And this is what I'm trying to answer for myself, now, at an age greater than Methuselah's.

No. I am not looking for a partner to share my life with. Unless she's under thirty. And hot. Since that's not going to happen...

There's an ego thing about spending time in the company of attractive women. I'm vain, and shallow. I'll cop to that.

There's pleasure in good conversation with someone who doesn't read their life into my words. I don't do it, and I'm a freaking man with a STEM background and job. People who fancy themselves as therapists, sponsors or as generally insightful are the worst: why would anyone assume I mean what they would mean? But then, I studied philosophy and speak Girl, so I know the first thing you have to so when someone says something is find out what the heck they meant by it. "What's meant Mrs Smith" in the words of Iz in Random Acts of Senseless Violence.

Then there's what I feel when She Who Tugs At My Co-Dependent Heartstrings and I talk. The other day she told met that a horoscope had told her that she would think about someone she knew in a different light. It was all I could do not to say "Yes. For instance me." The reason I know I'm alive is because of the summersaults my insides turn on occasions like that.

Of course I should steer clear of anyone who does that to My Co-Dependent Heartstrings. Especially if we work at the same company, with many of the same people. Getting involved with such people is how I lose control of my life. Being around someone who makes me feel alive is dangerous: it's not a feeling I'm used to.

And that's what a lot of it is about. If I'm a Man Going My Own Way, I need to own that way. I have spent much of my life on the Great Moving Walkway of White Collar Life - not to mention a fair time in the unattractive state of Poor Me, Pour Me another drink - and that may be the first thing I get straight. I'm not going to re-invent my life, though I may make a few changes around the edges. It's more about owning it, not apologising for it, polishing it up and taking it out for a drive.

My Way has been to lead an aesthetic life, to continue to exercise my mind with fairly seriously high levels of mathematics and philosophy, and to exercise my tastes by seeing and hearing as much of contemporary art and music as I can. (I have 8Tracks streaming via my netbook right now and it's playing a track from Homesick by A Day To Remember, which isn't half bad.) It has had its low spots, but most of them were because I thought I should be living a Proper Life, with Purpose, and Ambition, and a Partner with whom I Shared My Life. When I was not being true to my vain, shallow, egotistical, trivial self.

I might not be deep, but I can be delightfully witty, flattering, insincere and very good company for a night. That's what I got, and sometimes, it's what you need.

Now all I need to do is find you.

No comments:

Post a Comment