Monday, 14 April 2014

Why Five Years Off Was The Right Thing To Do

As I have said ad nauseam, I would’t mind some grown-up sex.

But.

But I haven’t got the energy left to play the games and deal with “feelings” and “emotions” that come from the air and vanish there. I really, really do not want to get involved with women's insecurities, whimsy, random and nonsense any more. Any more, frankly, than I want to get drunk again. It’s exactly the same. I don’t want those sick co-dependent feelings and so I can’t have anything to do with those women to whom my co-dependent conditioning would attract me.

Until a few days ago, I thought that meant a life of abstinence, as it does for the alcoholic. I might wind up actually living like that, heck, I have for over five years now, but I’m not going to do it deliberately. I thought that the kind of woman I needed to find would be a grown-up, practical and not noticeably affectionate. Exactly the kind of women I find a bit scary and daunting. Who have to be approached with confidence and the air of a man who knows what he wants and can't be shamed for it.

Which shows that I really wasn’t getting the point. There are no “grown-up women”, though there are many who are practical and lack any capacity for affection. Underneath whatever outward shows of competence and adulthood they have, they are all full of insecurities, random and nonsense. Even the real tough chicks. Now I know it’s nothing to do with me, and nothing that I need to be concerned about. I don’t cause that stuff, it’s how she chooses to react to whatever phantoms are hooting in her solipsism. It’s her stuff to handle, not mine to fix.

So those five years and months I’ve stayed away from “relationships” and sex? I was behaving smarter than I was thinking and feeling. I wasn’t ready and I would have slipped right back into my old co-dependent ways. Somewhere along my spinal column - because it sure as heck wasn’t my brain - I realised I had had enough of that and did the right thing.

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