Thursday, 14 January 2016

By now it should be obvious that a fair proportion of men and women are not suited to long-term, legal-commitment, domestic relationships

By now it should be obvious that a fair proportion of men and women are not suited to long-term, legal-commitment, domestic relationships with or without children. In the past, it didn’t matter: fathers needed to get some other sucker to pay for the upkeep of their daughters, and that’s why there was pressure on men to get married, and the daughters never got a say. Now that women can earn as much as men, job for job, a father can kick his daughter out of the house, often helping his princess with deposits and furniture, and tell her to get a job. Just like they do with their sons. Nor in the exact conditions of really-existing capitalism at this precise moment in time, does the economy need every woman who can to have children: northern European employers have no problem importing socialised, educated, English-speaking graduates from countries where the parenting is strong and the economy is weak.

So men and women who would really rather not bother with the whole dating-mating-marriage-divorce thing, but simply want to earn a living and go about whatever they think is life, really should not feel guilty about not wanting to find a partner. Let the PUAs spend every spare hour doing day game pick-up, and the Red Pill men be non-stop, unflinchingly Alpha with their wives and children, the rest of us can carry on with our lives in quiet and peace.

The alternative to a sad single life is not happy marriage, just as the alternative to miserable marriage is not happy bachelorhood. For an elite minority, marriage may be wonderful, fulfilling, and socially and financially rewarding, but for the rest of us mere mortals...

…forty per cent of marriages end in divorce after twenty years, thirty per cent in the first ten years. If you think the other sixty per cent are happy, sexy romps, you really can’t see what’s around you. People lie on those surveys about their sex lives. All. The. Time. Not to deceive the survey, but to deceive themselves. The middle-aged guy next to you on the train? Didn’t get laid last night, last week or last month. The early thirty-something blonde junior manager across the open-plan office? Hasn’t seen dick since the last time she got drunk and took some half-way attractive guy home - six months ago. And the early-twenties are all living at home, and you know how that goes. It’s all just an illusion.

Do I want sex? Let’s add some details to the question. Do I want once-a-month sex with a grudging late forties overweight wife? Nah. And neither do you. Do I want hot hotel sex with an early thirties hardbody who shares a sense of humour and is reasonable company at breakfast afterwards? Sure. Do I want sex that is part of an endless negotiation of favours, provisioning, entertaining, image maintenance and personal power ploys - otherwise known as marriage? No, but I understand some men can handle that. How far am I prepared to compromise on the context to get the physical act? Not much, but I understand there are men who can dine off mutton hash and turnip tops and count themselves well-fed.

What about those days when we wake up alone and feel empty, unloved and insignificant? That happened to me, and mostly I had a hangover as well. Sure there were days when I got home and the place felt empty and un-welcoming. I invested some time and effort into learning about decorating, then spent some well-chosen money and my house feels like home - to me. As for those horrible empty mornings? Vanished when I quit drinking and worked the programme.

As for loneliness? Loneliness is a feeling like cold is a feeling: it doesn’t tell you about you, it tells you about where you are in the world: it’s an ontological feeling, not a moral one. Many people think they feel worthless because they are lonely, but actually that’s two independent feelings: the loneliness, and the worthlessness. The worthlessness is a moral feeling. You can’t fix a moral feeling by changing the world you inhabit, you can only fix it by changing yourself. That’s why, if you’re a screw-up, and buy a Rolex, that just makes you a screw-up with a Rolex. If you feel lonely and worthless, then getting a girlfriend cures the loneliness but not the worthlessness. If you feel worthless, fix that first. My path got me into a 12-Step Fellowship. It’s not always as easy as a few chants and assertions.

Anyway, girls are not for curing your inner state. They are for curing your outer state: they are for sex and entertainment, and if you’re that way inclined, for helping to raise your children as well. This isn’t some cynical posture: it’s a recognition that most girls are not therapists or psychiatrists. Anyway, how else do you think women should be treated? (Oh. Right. You should be there to listen to them talking about the abusive boyfriend they can’t leave, and helping them paint their flat, and lending them money, and taking them on holiday in separate rooms… how’s that working out for you? It sucked on the rare occasions I did it.)

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