Thursday 2 July 2020

10 Virus Dodges You Should Be Doing Now

From my limited recent experience in the real world, it seems that the official communications are one thing and the reality is another. A lot of those communications about Covid Secure working are for the benefit of insurance companies and compliance managers. Reality is not far from how it was in the past. Except you can't sit down in a cafe, you have to go through the mask-farce on public transport, and perspex screens.

Anyway, here are a bunch of fun things to do as we continue to be extras in this year's hit farce Two Metres and a Mask.

1. Ask if the sanitiser has alcohol, if it does say you can't use it. Look pained and apologetic when you say this, add that you can't drink the stuff either. Works for me.

2. No volunteering for tests. There are no reliable tests for the Virus or for its antibodies. You may as well flip a coin and stay in for 14 days if it shows Heads.

3. No tracing apps. The Apple / Android tracer that was downloaded automatically recently is set to OFF by default. You're just exposing yourself to the dodgy test results other people might get.

4. Edit the contacts on your phone. Delete anyone you don't want to hear from. Only answer your phone if there's a name you recognise.

5. Set up a filter on your e-mail to junk mails containing 'Covid', 'Corona', 'virus', 'difficult times', 'lockdown', and other such words.

6. In the unlikely event anyone official asks why you ignored their mail or call, say "We've been told at work only to answer calls or accept e-mails from people we know. For our safety."

7. Don't argue with anyone about this stuff. The bureaucrats who have to deal with it know it's bullshit, and it's not polite of you to point that their job is a meaningless waste of time. There are a lot of decent people who believe the scare, indeed, decent trusting and trustworthy people will tend to believe what their Government tells them. Just nod along.

8. DO. NOT. QUEUE. Just walk away, Rene. Do not use shops that do 'No mask, no service' or 'One in, one out'.

9. Use mail-order, delivery, click-and-collect and takeaway as much as possible.

10. If you are working from home, tell everyone the camera on your laptop has mysteriously stopped working (On Windows 10, Settings->Privacy->Camera->Let Apps Use My Camera set OFF) and turn off those Teams notifications. Go back to e-mail and phone calls. You will thank me for this advice.

Bonus: The trains and tubes are almost empty even in the rush hours. Put on a mask and enjoy the peace and quiet.

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