Vulnerability: to what degree am I willing to let down my barriers? To what degree am I willing to let the other person affect my feelings? What you're seeing are the barriers I put around my time: I have a short attention span and a really low boredom threshold. And I used to let other people get to me far too much: now I'm much better at not obsessing.
Understanding. Do I understand the other person? Do I understand what they mean by what they say and do? Being a man, I don't read minds and I don't do girl-games - which explains a lot about my failed sex life. So if you speak plainly, then yes. And if you speak in riddles and allusions, then no. Do I want a relationship with someone who speaks in riddles and allusions? Sounds cute, could get tiresome really quickly.
Empathy: to what extent am I able to allow myself to feel what they feel? Empathy is one of those ancient Greek ideas that hasn't travelled well. I cannot feel what you are feeling any more than I can taste what you are tasting: the closest we can get is to eat the same fish. If you're ever seen one person walk away from a redundancy interview cheerful (lots of money and they're out of there) while the next was shattered (who cares about the money, where am I going to go?) you will know this to be true. And if what you're feeling is a gross over-reaction and toxic waste, why do I want to feel it?
Compassion: do I have a genuine concern for the issues that cause the other person concern? Actually, that isn't compassion - which is about reacting with sympathy to other people's bad luck and suffering, in which case see previous paragraph. I'm a co-dependent, I used to love doing that - to an unhealthy extent. I stop myself before I get more than a couple of steps down that line, and I'm better for it. Again, it depends on what the issue is: it would be totally messed-up to share their concern with immanent nuclear war, and who would want a relationship with someone like that?
Respect: do I treat the other person as if they are of value? We may have different ideas of what "respect" is. If I argue with you, that means I think you're worth bothering with. If I'm polite to you, that means I don't think you're worth the effort. A lot of people think that "respect" means I nod along while they talk crap.
Trust: to what degree and on what levels am I willing to let the other person gain access to the things about me that I don't want everyone to know? If I think you can be trusted to keep your mouth shut, yes. Trust like that has to be earned, not given. This answer is the only correct one.
Acceptance: am I okay the way I am? Is my partner? If "okay" means "I don't need to get fitter / smarter / better dressed / more polite / lighter / more informed / more charming company / whatever" then I am proud to say I am not okay and I wouldn't want a partner who thought they were either. If this question really means is: "am I a hyper-critical, picky, never-satisfied, moaning bitch?" then the answer is no.
Honesty: is this relationship built on truth, or are there games involved? I was a Nine, so everyone's relationships with me were built on their instantaneous expectations, which were entirely of their own invention. And when they found out I wasn't what they wanted me to be, they walked away, and there was no relationship.
Communication: are we able to talk freely about issues that are important in the relationship? Do we know how to do it so we are understood and the relationship goes forward as a result of the sharing? Part one: as much as anybody else is. Part two: only a charlatan pushing a magical communication cure would guarantee that a "relationship goes forward" after every revelation, unless you count divorce as "forward".
Compatibility: to what degree do we like and dislike the same things? To what degree does it matter if we differ in certain attitudes and beliefs? I have minority tastes in everything. I can guarantee we have almost nothing in common.
Personal integrity: to what degree am I able to maintain myself as well as offer to the other person? You mean, do I wind up doing things I don't want to do and hating myself afterwards? Not very often.
Consideration: Am I mindful of the the other person's needs as well as my own? What needs? For endless support and re-assurance? For a captive to go drinking with? It tells you something about my experience and life that I'm not sure I've run across anyone with a need that wasn't "needy". Unless they just needed to know the way to Leicester Square.
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