Brojectives

(It’s Objectives time at work. Thousands of people are filling in online forms with no more than five objectives and two measures each, to be spread across five areas of the business. It takes a least two iterations to get used to it. I take a day to work at home to do the darn thing as it takes that long to get into the right mind-set and jargon. This was me blowing off steam.)

Every year a Bro must set out his Brojectives. To help you do this, we’ve developed a structured framework around the Six Key Values of a Bro. These are:

1. Bench Press
2. Deadlifts
3. Squats
4. Diet
5. Work
6. Social Life

Your objective for the first three should be to do more than you did last year. More weight and more reps. Unless you have grey hair, when simply doing as much as you did last year will be enough. But then, no Bro has grey hair.

The goal for your Diet should be: eat more chicken, and cut down on the salad. One lettuce leaf is enough for a salad. Eating too much salad takes away valuable space from chicken. If you’re a vegetarian, remember that chicken is a vegetable.

Work. You need a goal for work. Get a job, for instance. Or one that pays enough for your gym fees, chicken, protein shakes, and somewhere to sleep when you’re not in the gym or at work.

Social Life. Hanging with your Bros doesn’t count, since you will be training when you do that. Social life is when your girlfriend insists you go with her to a movie about vampires, or take her out for a meal where you have to watch her eat unnatural food groups like cheesecake. Since you could be training or making overtime during this social life, your objective should be to reduce it. By at least twenty per cent. Try to convince her that eating Dominos while watching you do pull-ups is a dinner-date. Let me know how that works out.

So there you are. Brojectives made easy. Please submit your Brojectives for sign-off by the end of the month.

(With props to Dom Mazetti)