Do It, Don't Say It, and Other Ways of Not Hurting Delicate Feelings

Hot Guy is doing the rounds of the girls at a party. He spends some time talking to Wendy, an attractive woman with bright blue eyes. At some point she says something about childcare, and Hot Guy asks dead casual about the husband, who, Wendy says is no longer around’. Hot Guy nods in what looks like sympathy, and about three minutes later tells Wendy it’s been a pleasure meeting her, and moves on. Never talks to Wendy again. Next up is Wanda, another attractive woman with braids and a funky vibe. She mentions a club she goes to, which Hot Guy knows is a favourite of guys called Tyrone, and he nods and says he’s heard it’s a cool place, and she smiles and says she knows so many of the regulars there, and about three minutes later he tells Wanda it’s been a pleasure meeting her, and moves on. Never talks to Wanda again. There was an overweight girl with a deep chuckle there, but Hot Guy didn’t even look in her direction, same way he passed by the unemployed woman, and nixed his approach to the Princess when he overheard she worked in Publishing, and would therefore be chronically underpaid.

Now read this guy who says: no single moms, no mudsharks and no lazy bums. Outraged? Think he’s a douche? (Edit: you can’t. Heartiste was de-platformed by WordPress on the 11/5/2019.)

Which is odd, because he’s Hot Guy. And you weren’t outraged by Hot Guy’s behaviour.

To channel Dick Cheney: there are things you can do and say; things you can say but can’t do; things you can do but can’t say; and things you can’t say and can’t do. Some of those lists come from social conventions, and the rest each of us makes up according to our precise degree of snowflake.

Red Flags can be acted on but not talked about.

Why? Because Red Flags are used to filter out. Filtering out is discrimination. People with Red Flags say so.

We are supposed to select in. As if you can hire the skill but not the character. The hand but not the worker.

Absence of Red Flags is one of the things we look for in anyone. Unless we are being very unscrupulous.

Why do we screen out Red Flags? Red flags indicate poor judgement and bad decisions. The consequences of poor judgement and bad decisions are permanent, irreversible and mark our lives forever. I have lived that life and I approve this message. The consequences of good decisions vanish in our sleep. Good decisions have to be made over and over and over. Bad decisions only have to be made once.

Red Flag people need some solid shaming on their side. Selecting-in is meritocracy, selecting-out is prejudice. You should focus on the Good In People. Everyone Makes Mistakes. Look, people deserve a second chance. Not douche-bags, or creeps, or Invisible Guys, or that bitch (insert name of Worst Enemy Forever here), or Hitler, or Trump or…. but you know, people. Meaning, as always, the speaker. After all Good People can do Bad Things, and Nobody’s Perfect, and like, gimme a break, I was nineteen, okay? You’re so judgemental.

Yep. Unlike Douchebag Guy, I don’t get judgemental out loud. I do what all sensible people do. Do it, don’t say it. It’s better mannered, but it’s just as exclusionary.

Red Flag people don’t need to hear they made a bad decision. They live with it every day. They expend huge amounts of energy rationalising it every day.

Like you don’t? they may retort.

Hey, Nobody’s Perfect, and like, gimme a break, I was fifty-five, okay? You’re so judgemental.