I have a drinking problem. For me, one drink is too many and a hundred are too few. I have definite addictive behaviours and tastes - but this is a family show so we're not going to discuss those. Am I an alcoholic? No. I'm an ACoA with a drinking problem. My recovery was / is about gaining self-respect for the first time and a sense of my proper right to advance myself in the world, not about the restraint of a runaway ego that characterises a classic AA recovery. The ACoA "Laundry List" is a better description of me, or at least the earlier me, than any characterisation of the alcoholic in the Big Book. It was reading Beattie's Codependent No More that made me think "Yes! This is me!", not reading the Big Book. I always felt the Big Book should apply to me, but I've heard hundred of people say they felt that it did, right from the start.
I've mooted this idea before, but there's a difference between considering an idea and adopting it. When you adopt an idea you need, amongst other things and in contradiction to Walt Do-I-Contradict-Myself Whitman, to remove those current ideas you have that are inconsistent with the new one. This way change lies, otherwise the result is stagnation (no new ideas) or craziness (rampant inconsistency). You don't do this in one grand gesture but slowly. I know I'm better off for going to at least one meeting a week, but I need to re-think what it is I want to get out of it. I still have the drinking problem, and if I pick up a drink because I think it will make my life better, the next time you see me, it will be in a coffin.
I have a problem with alcohol, but alcohol is not my problem. (AA's love that sort of phrasing - it's probably some rhetorical device with one of those are-you-kidding dog-Latin names.) My problem was / is the ideas about myself and the world and other people I picked up at an early age. My problem was / is finding an accommodation between what I want from people and what they are prepared to give in return for what I can afford in time, money and attention. My problem is that I have an addict's body chemistry (those people who say "I have an addictive personality" don't understand Fact One about addiction, which is that addiction is physical). It gets triggered by booze, chocolate and sex amongst other things.
It's not enough for me to stay clean and sober. Even The Steps aren't quite enough - though both sobriety and Steps are essential. The final part is keeping the dysfunctional, defeatist thoughts at bay - in a realistic manner. None of that New Age affirmations crap for me thank you.
And I'm 56 yesterday. Shit. I am going to be SO poor when I can't earn any more.
No comments:
Post a Comment