Who I Am (at August 3rd 2009)

You know what? I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of pretending to be one of you. I'm not. I never was. But here's the trick: I'm not going to tell you what I can't do that you do and I'm sure as heck not going to tell you why. Because it doesn't matter why.

So here I am:

I am going to disappoint you. Because you're going to have expectations about what kind of person I am before I've even finished saying “hello”. That doesn't happen to you, but it does to me.

I guess at what normal is . I have no idea what normal is but I know it exists. I used to think it had to do with having a job, a partner and a garden shed, but that's because I was guessing. Now I know it isn't that. I have this idea that if I was ever inside the mind and soul of an ordinary person, I'd want out quickly so I could breathe and think and feel again.

I have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. That's why I had to learn about Time Management and Project Management and Planning Stuff. I can do it as naturally as you breath. I just lose motivation or run out of money and ideas.

I find it easier to lie than tell the truth. It took me a while before I understood this, partly because we tell so many white lies at work disguised as office humour that I've lost track of when we're supposed to tell the truth. Take away the white lies, office gossip with a trusted few, comments about movies, places to get lunch and other miscellaneous bullshit, and there's nothing left of my conversation. I lie by omission and silence all the time. Actually I have no idea what truth I'm supposed to be telling to whom. I do know this: if I don't trust you, if I think you're not on my side, I can tell you black is white with a clear conscience. Of course, at any given time there are only a couple of people I trust. Sure, it's way easier to tell white lies and talk empty bullshit than tell the truth: a lot of the time, that's all people expect.

I judge myself without mercy. Anyone who has to tell themselves “that'll do, this is only rock-n-roll” is trying to silence the inner critic snarking that I missed a bit. There. And there. And look at the mess. And it took way longer than you thought. I've had to learn to turn that one down.

I don't do fun. Nothing makes me feel miserable like a paper hat at the office Xmas lunch, except the afternoon games after the morning speeches on a company team day. I can sit in a crowded cafe and be content, but put me in with a hundred people I'm supposed to be networking with and I'd rather be dead. Exception: the wonderful world of wholesale switched minutes.

I don't drink, which means I won't be doing the after-work Friday booze-up and I will be leaving your wedding reception / birthday party / victory celebration / whatever after about an hour. Just so you know, it is thoughtless to expect people who don't drink to hang around a bunch of people on their third one.

I take myself too seriously. I don't know what this means. If I did, I'd agree, probably.

I have difficulty with intimate relationships . An intimate relationship is where I share all my thoughts as long as they're the ones you want to hear? That's it, isn't it? Or does this mean I have a problem with sex? Actually, there are no such things as “intimate relationships”: the whole idea was invented by women to guilt-trip men and is encouraged by therapists because they don't know any better. So yes, I have difficulty with “intimate relationships”.

I over-react to changes over which I have no control. Well, yes, I do. Equanimity is not my middle name. I'm not so bad at it as I used to be, but man, you should see me when I have to rush the commute and can't find my keys...

Any criticism of my work or behaviour threatens my very survival. Because you're looking for a way to get me out of your life. You're plotting to sack me and I'll be without an income. Because you're going to leave me. Because you're going to pass on the pay rise and I'l be five percent or more less well-off next year than this. Because all you do is criticise and you never ever help. And while we're at it...

I don't do mentoring or being mentored. Because when Daddy was visibly not too good at managing his own life, when you can't learn from him how to make friends, run a network, build a career, you have an abstract idea of what a mentor is but don't really believe they exist, let alone how to choose a good one or be one for someone else. Ask me for advice and what I'll say will boil down to “RTFM”.

I don't do authority. I respect skill, knowledge, achievement, character, integrity, stuff like that. I respect the sergeant, not the stripes. There are far more people with stripes on their arm than there are sergeants.

I constantly seek approval and affirmation. At school the other boys used to call it “fishing for compliments” and I got the idea it wasn't too cool. I have to stop myself from doing it all the time. But there's a catch...

I don't believe your compliments. Because you don't mean it, you're just saying it to be polite or because you went on a course that told you it works. Also because your compliments are just words: there's no pay rise, introduction to a useful contact, funding, assistance or new toys. Nice words are too often a substitute for good deeds. In fact, they are little else. When a girl starts by saying something nice about you, it's pumpkin time, because you are not going to get lucky.

I don't expect you to keep your promises. I don't doubt your sincerity, but: you will forget, you will change your mind, you will meet someone else, you will hire someone else. You will decide to fund another project. You will get the next financials and decide to announce pay freezes to keep the City happy. You will be busy. You will keep your promises to someone else, but never to me. Hence my principle of diary management:

Don't tell me it's not personal. If it isn't, don't do it to me, do it someone else. Thought so. You did mean me. What people mean by “it's not personal” is “don't get upset about this because we don't want to have to deal with it”. If it's got my name on it, it's personal. If the bruise is on my skin or my soul, you know what? It's personal. I don't care if you knew my name at the time or not.

Always agree to every meeting, as they will all be re-scheduled or cancelled. (This is not true about tedious bureaucratic meetings held in airless offices – those always happen).

I feel I am different from other people. There's nothing like seeing a herd of your fellow humanity to tell you that you are not one of them. However, I bet we have this in common...

Why does the loony always get in my carriage?. See? It's not just you. Finally...

Going away is pointless because you have to come back to exactly what you left. It's not that I don't want to go on holiday, it's that if I go, I have to come back, and I don't want to come back. Because nothing has changed and I don't want to be there.

I don't know how to make it better. I don't know what “better” means: if I did, and I knew how to get there, I wouldn't be here.